so mighty

        Goodness - I am terrible at keeping up with this stuff - oh well, who reads anyway? Well, I am still here in Wisconsin who would have thought? I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I am still trying to write every once in a while. Most of my time is spent doting on the guests here, which I pretty much enjoy. But seriously lets lay this out on the table. There are people that I can not stand and I really need to pray to get past my hatred for people. I have a hard time with snap judgments - in that I make them all the time and though 97% of the time I am accurate there is a 3% chance that I have made a grave mistake and the person is actually an ok person.
        Now having said that, I have given this certain person a chance - a BIG FAT chance and I still hate (and I don't use that work lightly) this person.  I know that I do not necessarily  make the best decisions but I look like a saint compared to the things she has done. First as you all know I work for a Christian Camp owned and operated but The Salvation Army.  I take my job seriously in that I understand that there are things that I can not do on a regular basis especially during the summer. To give you a little insight we hire about 60 - 70 summer staff to be counselors (18 - whatever) and co-counselors (15 - 17yr olds).  Now this woman - who was hired as a summer staff member decided it was ok as a 26 year old to make out with a co-counselor who was 16 can you believe that SHE IS A PEDOPHILE!!!! I guess that is the worst of them all but she also accompanied a group of counselors and co-counselors (including said 16 year old) to a HOOKAH bar - are you f-ing kidding me? I can not believe she is still here. I have also heard rumors about her going with some girls to a sex toy shop. Now I know that I am not Miss. Angelic but I have way better judgment than this. Who does these things? With kids who are trying to be Christian Counselors for a summer camp? It is blowing my mind. Also, she dresses scantily - and it is gross. We called her c-toe all summer because it was literally visible everyday.  GROSS! So, here comes the worst part....they want to have her work here full time! WTF??? I can't believe this is happening. Things seemed to be going so well, how dare they hire this girl - she is worthless. Plus she flirts with anyone. It is just awful. Ok enough with that - there are many more factors to the whole situation but I am going to go on to some good stuff.
        Stephen and I are doing very well, and are quite happy with our lives (for the most part - except for said above situation). I have had a hard time being a "wife" and I often fight with myself on how to be better at it. I am just a free spirit - I need to be free sometimes and Steve keeps my quite close to the ground. It is good in many ways and hard in some others. I desperately want to do something excited and dangerous like get a new tattoo or something different. I have always - my whole life - gotten into these moods where I feel boring and need a change of pace, I just need something new. I have tried all my old regulars, I have changed my hair style and color, I began wearing new earrings - nothing is helping. I have the itch except Steve hates tattoos, lately he has been saying "just get it!" the problem is what?!!?? Who knows maybe I will find something perfect but I just wish he would help me find something that we both like, alas he will not help at all. We are just very different in these situations. Also it is his birthday today - he is playing x-box 360 and I am writing in my live journal....do we see a problem with this? UGH! I just have a hard time sometimes. Hmmm. So we got a new car, brand new right off the lot. It is a Honda Civic and it is Royal Blue - and I LOVE IT!! The end.
       I have also found a very wonderful person named Kat - just absolutely amazing. It is as if we share a brain - I can go to hand her something and with out a word between us she will take it and put it exactly where I want it to go. I is just awesome to have found a female to connect with on that level that only female friends can connect with you. I have really only had this connection with a few people and with Kat it is the closest in a very long time. I just love her and that God that she is here everyday.
       All in all my life is good. I love Steve with all my heart and soul. I will never regret the day I said "i do" and I hope he doesn't either. Steve is my other half. Where I am weak he is strong. Where I am lacking he is full and overflowing and vice versa. I didn't realize how much until this past year. Though all of our trial and hardships there was a shining moment when we realized that all we needed to be was us and that is all we can be sometimes. Everyone, everyone, everyone in the world has flaws but that is what makes us unique and those are the things I love most about Steve. Though people may see us as flawed we just see the person we fell in love with. There is nothing in the world like true love, it is a feeling that can not be denied or fabricated or mistaken. Steve found me when I was at what I would consider my worst. I was in a horrible place in my life, slipping daily into a dark and lonely place. I believe that we were put together to be something more powerful than even we can imagine. We are a great team and we can do anything if we just try. I know we will get to a place where we are really happy. I know we can find a happy medium where we will both sore with our talents.
       With that being said, I am looking at moving back to NY with in the next 3-5 years. We have student loans to pay off and now car loans but when that is all over we are going to bank a bunch of money and find a nice little house somewhere in WNY and settle with our dog and find some jobs that make us happy. I would love to work at Main Street Coffee and bartend at night - though that doesn't really have any benefits or security it would make me happy. I need to figure out something for Steve - we have to find out what would really make him happy and find a job in that field. It is just tough because he doesn't think he is very good at a lot of things, but he is! He is so smart and a fast learner. He is doing so well even with a ton of different jobs on his plate he is doing AWESOME. I love him. I guess that's all I really need to say right now. I am so super lucky to have someone who loves me as much as he does and will stand by me even with all of my "quirks".

no one is going to read all of this.
I miss everyone. I miss home. I miss school. I miss going out for coffee. I miss making coffee. I miss classes and the Sheltonites. I miss having a million people to call when I want to hang out. I miss having intellectual conversations about nothing at all.
I just miss you and I miss some little parts of me that are floating around and I can quite grasp.

I am trying not to drift but sometimes I feel like the shore is far away.

Thanks for listening. Maybe I will post some pictures.


Love you!

Happy….I’m finally happy – this is what I have waited for, for so long – a wonderful husband, a little house, a perfect puppy and a little piece of heaven to call our own. This is what I have waited for this moment right now when everything is right. I don’t think I have ever been loved in the way that Steve loves me. I wake up to his smiling face everyday and know that this is where I am supposed to be. I have made some great friends but know that I have not forgotten the best ones I had to leave behind (you are always in my heart and on my mind). I love life so much I wake up feeling refreshed even if I know that it may be a hard day ahead I know that I have a rock to lean against.
It has taken me awhile to write all of this down, I think just knowing that a few of my friends are getting married has made me reflect on my own marriage – and thought we have only been married for five months I have learned so much about what true, undying, faithful love really is. As I look around each morning at the ninety some acres I call my home I realize that this has been the plan all along. All the hard times that I have gone through, and all the trials, have given me strength. Though it is hard to realize that I have chosen to stay in Wisconsin, away from my family and friends, I know that this is what I should do. We are happy and never lonely. We can stay up late or go to bed at early, we are like little kids having late night snacks, laughing until our faces hurt, being silly with our Sidney and just being able to be us, together, on our own – AT LAST! This is a thank you to all the people who made my life worthwhile who helped me through the times that I never thought I would make it though, who taught me lessons, who let me teach them lessons, who lived through it all with me. I love you all.
In saying all of that I would just like to say that I also miss home! I miss Kayla and just having someone that I can say anything to, or do anything with, without being questioned. No one knows what it is like to have a friend like her – someone you can always count on, someone who will never persecute you for your actions or hold them against you, because in the end they love you for your faults too. I can firmly say that she is one of the most precious gems in the world, second to none.
This is a pretty long rant, but I am a little homesick, and just realizing the commitment I have made to this camp. I have a job – a real job with health and life insurance and a 401K. I have to make a decision on where I want to go to Christmas or any other holiday for that matter – I have to not wake up on Christmas morning in my bed and run downstairs and see the presents that my mother has spent all night wrapping and all year picking out. I have to learn how to make Kuchen, and Christmas cookies and Grandma Lester’s baking powder biscuits and stew and all the other things that I crave and want my mother to make but I can no longer go home and beg her to make it, I can’t run home and get what I want from my mommy – I have to now provide for myself. I miss home, I miss being a little girls but I love life so much now, and I am torn. Anyway I thought you should all know I have been feeling…

What the heck is there to say? I’m here in Wisconsin, married, working my butt off and the rest of my life is just gone, like that – no one even cares that I am no longer in Buffalo. I guess I could say that I don’t care either but I do, I care that I wasted so much time on people who don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves, I am upset that I tried to comfort people who are too small to admit that they don’t even like who they are. Well the best I can say is that I don’t like you either and that you should just grow up and think about what the rest of your life is going to be like. Learn to love your selves, try to actually live life don’t just let it float by. I guess I should be singing praises because I got to marry the best man I have ever met but I still think about you all back in Buffalo, I think about how you just stopped caring altogether. Stop being so dependent on each other, be something special, be someone special. It has taken me a very long time to even attempt to write in this thing only because I didn’t know how to express how I was feeling.
At the end of my time in Buffalo I felt worthless, I felt that everything I did didn’t matter and I suppose it didn’t but I just want all of you to know how much I truly did care about you. And this specifically goes out to people on my “friends” list. I want you to know that you were loved by me and you are all still thought of by me, you all hold a special place in my memories. I don’t know how long I will be here in Wisconsin, it may be a while actually I’m not sure yet.
In the end it all comes down to this, think of where you are and where you will be in the future…do you like what you see? Who you are? What you’ll be? If not, fix it, I know I did, when it comes to self-loathing I was there. Dig yourself out of it, make yourself something, be something great – I know you are all wonderful smart people, prove me right. I can’t wait for the day that I see your names in books, magazines or in the movies (Mr. Magee). YOU are smart and handsome and wonderful. Be proud, stand tall, save your money, keep a journal of all your greatest moments, read, write, act, have fun, be studious and most of all….love who you are and be the best you can be.

As I opened word today, preparing for a paper that I am supposed to write today (by 2pm) I decided to write a livejournal entry instead. So much is going on in my life and I am not handling it very well. To put it bluntly I hate the fact that Steve lives in Cincinnati, and I also hate the fact that I have lost all of my friends. There is no one that I can just call up and say “hey do you want to ____________?” because they just don’t care to hang out with me anymore – oh well, as they say – your loss. But it isn’t really, your loss, its mine because I am the one that still wants your friendship. I’m sorry that I’m not ‘cool’ enough for you but seriously I don’t know what I could have done. I think about you all often and I know you could give two shits as to what has been going on in my life. There is fake happiness when I see you, its all fake, you’re all fakes and I’m sorry that I miss our friendship. I have been nothing but honest with all of my friends, and the people that I have met this year are wonderful, I just can’t believe that people are ok with this being the end, I will probably never talk to you all again. This will be the last I say of this, I can keep friends that live across the state, I can keep friends that live in different states and different countries but those of you who live on campus who I see all the time I cant keep you as friends, I guess it really isn’t me because I am a damn good friend.
In other news. I’m getting married. Wow. I cant believe that it is coming. The party is this coming weekend, it will be nice to have all of my friends there – I really need to see them. Wedding plans have been going well; we just need to work out the details – which frankly give me a headache. I am glad that we kept the ceremony small and invited family, I can’t deal with anyone else right now.
And so it is, this is the end of my schooling for now – the last month of the last year of college and I don’t want to do anything at all. I have two quizzes and a paper due every week and I am getting more and more lazy about doing all the reading. I miss the days of challenge from Allen I miss the cohesive environment I felt there. Now I feel like I am a transfer student and all the people I know and care about are scattered around the world.
I wish I could say more, but I don’t know what else to say. I love my life and I love what I am doing, I plan on being very successful. Steve is handsome and smart and wonderful in everyway possible and I will be his wife at the end of this month. We have our summer planned and we will be able to grow with each other with no worries. I can’t wait to start this journey and I have the best partner in crime. We can make it through anything. Steve is my rock and I am his, we make each other whole and compliment each others personalities. I have never felt this emotion for anyone in my life and I will never feel it for anyone else. This is where I am supposed to be – at home in his arms and protected by his love.
I can’t wait to start my life with you sweetheart. My dreams are all coming true.

:i:will:live&die:both:unto:you:

This is true love, this is truly inspirational.

for the party??

So here I am regretting the fact that I could have ever given my livejournal out to anyone – this used to be a place for me to get things off my chest – with out people feeling bad for me – ha – ridiculous…a web journal for personal use…

Here is goes. Steve left today – 12:30 this afternoon…he walked down the hall of the dorms, and I secretly watched from the window as he got into his car and drove away…he is going to Cincinnati, he is going there for me…for us…for our future but he is going for a while, and I don’t have anyone else. I really don’t think there is a person that cares about me anymore, and yes it might sound selfish but I would at least like to know why? I feel like people are just sick of me and the fact is that I might be just as sick of me by now. I am not into doing anything really, I just sit around and bitch (ie right now) but these next few months are going to be pretty tough, plus I am graduating I feel as though I am coming out of college the same way I went in – I have pushed everyone away – I have never been very good at keeping friends, I actually kind of suck at it…I end up just letting everyone go and then end up blaming them for leaving me.

I am scared though I shouldn’t be of where I will be in a year. I am getting married in April, then graduating a week later – and then I start my life with Steve – we start making a life together – is this really possible? I guess it is.

I don’t know what else to say, I thought I had more…


We picked out wedding rings yesterday and the inscription

:i:will:live&die:unto:you:

Just like that…

I love you Steve, I miss you friends.

“Would you catch me if I’m falling? Would you kiss me if you’re leaving? Would you hold me ‘cause I’m lonely without you!”

“Deepest oceans of despair
This vast and somber
Charcoal night of space
Have you given up yet?
What hope lingers in the crevasses and corners of your soul?
I know you
You haven't given up yet
You are brave in this darkness, Saint Saturn
Sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope”



“There's nothing like complete exhaustion,
the atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders,
and realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure,
of recklessness of weightless abandonment”

Even if I had all the money in the world I would NOT want a wedding…


can't they see who i really am?

Yeah it is actually 3 am and I decided I should be writing in my live journal – does that scare anyone besides me? I hope so. I am listening to Brave Saint Saturn I really like Reese Roper and I have through all of his endeavors. I guess I am writing because I need to get some things off my chest but why would I write them in a public live journal – I guess it is the idea of writing rather than holding things in that is making me feel better – being standard is a fear of mine – being like every girl out there just normal, though I have been told that it is nearly impossible for me to be normal I cant help but feel I am falling into the trap of just ‘living’ I don’t want to just ;go though life’ I don’t want to wake up one day and say “hey when the hell did all this happen?” I want to be alive and sometimes I feel like I am actually just the living dead. I actually wrote and entire sociology paper about people who just wonder through life…

I write clever words on paper
I sometimes think I don’t believe at all
I've never felt so fake,
So false
I'm such a lie

I just feel like crying a lot lately which in my case doesn’t make too much sense because I am incredibly happy – I just have been wishing that this part of my life was past – I have felt negatively about a lot of stuff lately and in my mind that makes negative things happen. Today I went shopping for Steve’s birthday, our birthdays are only six days apart which is fun happy – today I really let go and I was having a wonderful day and then tonight as I was getting ready for bed I realized I had lost and earring – I know this doesn’t seem like too big of a deal but my brother had taken a trip to Trinidad and Tobago about six months ago and he brought these earrings back for me. I loved them so much and tomorrow I plan on calling around and seeing if I can locate it which I am pretty sure is a useless task but none the less I will do it anyway…

Useless task…I feel like I am useless – or rather that I am seen as useless when I feel like I try so hard to please people sometimes (most of the time) I feel as though I am taken for granted and that when I am not doing those things that I feel are nice of me to do even though I don’t have to do them – when I don’t do them I feel as though people are like ‘what’s wrong with her?’

It is as if I can not relax, it is like I am not 21 and I have to support an entire life right now…I am not ready for that! I need help! I need a backbone…anyone got one for me? I need to stand up for myself and say “can you see that I am doing this all by myself?” “do you think this is fair???” I don’t think any of these feelings are fair I don’t feel like I should feel like a house wife yet…I am too young to feel like this…reh…

What happened to care free? What happened to ‘I’ll do what I want’? what happened to ‘I don’t support anyone”? And what happened to the poor college student who needs to be supported?

I don’t do this well these feeling are not becoming to me – this is not a pretty colour on me…this is not my style. I think I would be much happier if I wasn’t the only one trying – I feel like I have given a free ride for so long it is just taken for granted that I will continue to give a free ride – I HATE BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED! I work damn hard and I have for over a year now…I have talked about this several times I have asked, begged, pleaded, cried, screamed and yelled, pouted, been pro-active, been inactive, I have been supportive and not there at all…what are my choices? I can not do this for very much longer – I just feel so used right now – I feel like I cant even have any emotions without judgment. I am not crazy, look at what is going on here…do you honestly think it is fair? Can you think of anything else I can do besides what I have already done? I have worked my ass of trying for you but if there is continually no effort on your part there is nothing I can do…

I am drowning here,
Sinking below the surface
You are using my lifeless body to float upon
You use me even when
I can give no more
You take from what I don’t have
So that you may survive another day
I am not surviving
I am no longer who I used to be
I can no longer let you use me
I can’t float here on the surface
I push you into the dark waters
If you begin to sink I place you on my back again
But I am so tired
Are you going to drown me?
Or will you finally learn to swim?
I can give you lessons but you have to listen…
You have to understand that I can’t swim forever
Maybe someday you will be strong enough that I can rest
You will pick me up
You will put me on your back
You will carry me
You will rescue me and take me home
But know that I am drowning
Don’t take my last breath,
I’m gasping
I’m shivering
I’m so cold and I feel death coming
Bring me to shore soon
I’m damn tired….



What else to say?



There's nothing like complete exhaustion,
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders,
And realizing I am incomplete –Brave Saint Saturn

I can’t do it. I’m failing. I’m failing me. And then…I will fail you. I promise….

I know it's dark here, you know that I'm scared too
For some reason right now, of everything but you
Right now you're all that I recognize
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I wait here, and sometimes I get one

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

You know it starts here, outside waiting in the cold
Kiss me once in the snow, I swear it never gets old
But I will promise you I can make it warmer next year
You know I came here when I needed your soft voice
I needed to hear something that sounded like an answer
Now I stay here, and everyday I get one

It's nothing I'll forget when the moon gets tired
You are stuck to me everyday
Believe in what I am because it's all I have today
And tomorrow who knows where we'll be
From here I can hardly see a thing
But I will follow anyone who brings me to you
For now, forever, for on and on and on

So go plug in your electric blanket
We can stay in 'till our southern summer wedding day
Go plug in your electric blanket
We can stay here


i love you steve and i miss you but make money money make money money make...we are going to have a great trip...

how about the time my roommate tried to kill herself? that was a good one...

suck!


at least i have steve

And so it is time for me to update:

So I wrote something when Mike and I first broke up and I would like to post it again because I have found the person to fulfill my wishes (even the silly ones):

1. I need someone who can get up and go anywhere anytime with out question someone who doesn’t mind camping in a smelly old cabin with lots of mosquitoes,

2. Someone who can have a kitty curled up next to their head all night and not die from allergies (but will live with it even if they are dying)...

3. I need someone who will cry as hard as I do when we have animals and they die, because he will love them as if they were our children

4. I need someone who wont give me dirty looks if I grab their crotch in the grocery store and who doesn’t mind who sees us kiss...

5. someone who wants the ENTIRE world to know how much he loves me...

6. someone who excepts me for all of my moods especially the mean ones because he knows that it is my way of venting...someone who WONT take it personally.

7. I need someone who will accept all of my friends and think that my past is funny…not annoying.

8. I need someone who will accept Kayla and Melissa for their strengths and unconditional love for me. I need someone who loves them as much as I do, who wants them to be in my life forever…I NEED someone they love and someone they want in my life because with out them I am not me.

9. Someone who will sing me "damn it janet"

10. Someone who I can just sing with when we are laying together.

11. Someone who thinks it is funny when I get silly songs stuck in my head, and will sing with me when I sing them a million times...

12. I need someone who one laugh at me for being me…

13. I need someone who will think it is fun when I do random things with my friends, someone who supports me through it all.

14. Someone who knows what do get me when getting gifts because he remembers silly things that I say I love…

15. I need someone who will play the “remember when” game when we are old.

16. I need someone who will still be there to play it

17. I need someone who wont run away when things get hard, and who wont let me run away either.

18. I need someone who is concerned about the future…but not THAT concerned

19. I need someone who is religious…in the sense that he believes in God but isn’t basing everything
he does on Him.

20. I need someone who loves the Salvation Army for everything it stands for, and for how much it really means to me…I need someone who won’t call it a cult.

21. I need someone who isn’t concerned with everything, who doesn’t care if something can be done faster, or cheaper. These are not things that concern me, MONEY means NOTHING!!!!

22. I need someone who appreciates coming from a home where everything isn’t perfect and money can't fix things, where imperfections are what make each person unique.

23. I need someone who realizes what it means to love their family, and knows how much I love mine.

24. I need someone who pushes me to be my best, someone who realizes my true potential in anything I do…even if I may not.

25. I need someone who loves to walk on the beach, who loves the smell of fresh cut grass, to picks me lilacs and loves their smell as much as I do…

26. I need someone who won’t buy me roses…because he knows what my favorite flower is…someone who listens to the little things…

27. Someone who knows why I love black and white cats, and why I cry sometimes when I see them.

28. Someone who isn’t into the trends, and doesn’t expect me to be.

29. Someone who will look at the Redwoods in Oregon with me...someone who wants to see all the places I love because I love them and he loves me…

30. Mostly I just need someone who I can be with; who will call me his best friend. And I will be.




And so there it is – my deepest wishes in my time of need – in no particular order and so I have Steve now and these are the things that he fulfills. Every want and need that I could think of when I was most vulnerable he comforts me.

I know I’m not so poetic as of late

Want me to post a poem?







Beg!

Ok so I’m not going to lie, sometimes I get really depressed about weird things and miss people I shouldn’t. There have been so many people in my life that I just let drift away, and I just let them go – and they don’t care. As of late I have been working really hard to rid myself of the memory of these people, people that I shouldn’t even want in my life but keep them here under covers in the caves of my existence. So I’ve begun to move them, down, out of their individual categories in my mind in to folders such as “random junk” or “wishing you were gone” but can I be honest with myself for one moment? Not really but lets try.
I love Steve more then I have ever even dreamed of loving someone, and when I did think I was in love now I know I was only kidding myself – so why not let go of the past and cling to the future instead? I know Steve has been asking me the same question for awhile now. Even if he isn’t asking out loud I know he is secretly asking himself.
I wish I had an answer for him, but all I can say is ‘don’t worry’ and ‘I love you’. Maybe someday I will be able to ask myself why I torture myself with scenes from the past – but I don’t think I will ever be able to fully answer the question, I honestly don’t think I know the answer.

I love you and I miss you – and I thank you for all that you are and all that you push me to be. My co-author.

Last night Steve and I were just sitting around and I decided that it was the day that I would take out my tongue ring – ok so it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to any of you but it is to me. When I got it, it meant nothing while every other piercing/ tattoo has. And I have had it for about a little over a year and a half; I believe it added something fake to my ‘persona’ and so last night I took it out.

And so I guess I want to challenge anyone who reads this to get rid of things that make you fake, and don’t contribute to who you really are, I mean sometimes that is hard but do the easy things first. Try and make yourself the most pure version you can.

There are certain people that can come into our lives who push us to be who we really feel we are not, stick with the people who love you for who you really are – it will help you to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Thank you for being there and letting me be me – for letting me grow and change but keeping me grounded as to who I really am

For those of you who have known me for more then lets say a year know that I had a little lapse in who I really am…I began to care too much about power and money and I cared more about myself then I ever had before (not the good caring about yourself) I didn’t care about others like I usually do – I was mean and stubborn and I am still getting over it all – it is quite the shock to the system when you realize someone whom you thought changed you for the better was actually doing the opposite. That someone made me mean and broke my morals, I can never get back that time but I can learn that I never want to be like that, I never want to be a fake.

That’s all really – be true to yourselves never show anyone anything other then who you really are…





Steve
n.a.r.d.
my favorite boyhater
supa friend
Schmindy
Anna P.

i love you all and thank you

Been pretty depressed as of lately, not that this is a big surprise it is Christmas season and also finals. I suppose Steve and my close (very close) friends are the only things that make me happy. Though I have even been lying to them, I had a bout of blind rage the other day. I flipped out and punched a refrigerator and told them all I fell and smacked my hand. My hand is so bruised and looks terrible and I can only blame myself. I just get so angry, and I don’t want to go back to what I used to do with anger – ugh I’m so dumb sometimes.
So I’ve reverted back to listening to sad songs and crying a lot, I am also doing the really awesome thing where I push people away. Mmmm my personal favorite because I can see myself doing it and I can do nothing about it at the same time. I see myself becoming angry and callused – Steve is my hot water, he softens me up. I just wish I could be a better girlfriend, I wish I knew what to do to make him understand that I’m pretty fucked up sometimes in how I think and react.
I need to be able to read him – I can’t do it, I’m never right anymore when I think he is feeling something. I can’t tell when he is play being mad or when he is really mad I can’t tell – I get so frustrated and then what do I do? I take it out on him, when it is my fault; we are coming up quickly on our six month anniversary I should be able read him – I love him and I just want to be able to get in his head.


I know you are reading this Steve, sorry it seems so anonymous but this is how I would right in a journal. You are the music notes in my life you are what makes my life a song I love you.

i would like to note that these are the lyrics to the starburst "whistle song" - makes you think it really must not matter what they play in the background as long as there is something catchy in the song (ie the whistling) then the words do not matter at all...just thought i would let you know...



You're tearing me apart my friend
You're bringing me down over and over again
You hurt my soul
And you wrecked my world
You're bringing me down, over a friend

Get yourself off
Get yourself off
I'll be there just as soon as i can

So I guess I’ve been owing you this for a long time but this should be a long one…maybe I should split it up into a few….nah…

So I finally got to go camping with Steve and it was awesome but let me talk about that in a minute.

My roommates are crazy all of them but especially my own though I’m not sure if I should be posting this I’m sure she already knows what I am thinking – what has been happening in my dorm room is off the wall. There are two forms of witchcraft that are floating around Santeria being the one practiced as far as I can tell. It is all bullshit according to me and it almost cost me one of my best friends at school…
So last Metal Night I was late getting back to the dorms “Hi my name is Janet and I am always late”. So anyway I was really late and Anna had already come to the door and Nora told me that Kalia was screaming about some “demon/vision/man” that had been at the door supposedly but it was my little tiny Anna not a huge man (the thing was supposed to be a man of some sort). So I went upstairs and cleared it all up with Anna because she thought I was in the room and screaming “get the fuck out of here” “don’t come in get away from here and don’t come back” and of course this hurt her feelings as it would any normal human being…Anna and I are all fine and we went to Metal Night which included the creepy “two too many eyebrow piercings” guy asking me for pot and wanting to buy some from me (I don’t some and I certainly don’t sell the stuff) and this other guy offering me a ride to which my response was “No…never” which made Anna and I pee with laughter after we got back to the car we had a nice ride home and I walked her back – oh Anna how I love thee never ever think I don’t I couldn’t deal with this campus without you!
I got back to my room talked to the lova’ and went to bed still very angry with what had happened that night with the witchcraft…when I got up the next morning (of course Kalia hadn’t slept in the same room cause she usually doesn’t) but she did barge in and try and explain the things that had been happening I wasn’t buying it and then she said “after 12 noon I don’t want you to return to the room until after 5pm” Bullshit what?
Yes this is my room too why don’t you want me to come back? Oh wait the girl who is casting all these spells on you was invited to our suite- such nice girls! And you don’t want me here cause she is trying to take your stuff so she can cast spells on you – hm makes sense (note the sarcasm). So anyway I returned to my room at 4 because that is when I normally come back and everything was just fine except Drama McDrama Queen was in a tizzy again. I was packing because Steve and I had planned a really nice weekend of going to a show and then camping so I was trying very hard to beat traffic except I couldn’t leave my door open and I had to take my key with me everywhere because the door had to stay shut so nothing “evil” could get in…UGH!!!!! I told Toast to knock on the door because I wanted to talk to her and I thought when she knocked I could just go answer it but guess what!!?? I was wrong when Toast knocked I went to answer the door headed towards it Kalia bars me and tells me I am not to answer the door (like I was just going to open it I knew to look through the peephole) so as Toast looks in the room I threw all my stuff together and told her I was out because I don’t deal with petty bullshit like that. (At this point in time Kalia was burning sage which to anyone who hasn’t smelled it smells like burned vagina! – not that I know what that smells like per say but, you get the drift.) And so I left I was out of there for a nice weekend with the Steve.
**BREATH!!!!**
I got to the house late and in a bad mood because I was so frustrated with the entire happenings but as soon as I saw him I was calm and I knew we would have a good weekend. We left taking a back route cause neither one of us were in a hurry. And so eventually we got to his house and hung out with his family and ate some good foods and then went to bed (the sneaky way). The next morning Steve and Jon had been talking about getting new phones so we went with the Master Major Dad and they both got new phones it was fun and I really felt like a part of the family Hurray!!
We hung out in the afternoon ate an early lunch and headed to the show. It was wonderful we had such a blast picking on people and just being ourselves especially when chubby elbows came around – I love the way he laughs at my jokes it is so sincere and he just makes me so happy…
Afterward we snuck up to the cabin for a wonderful night and by the way his first real camping trip and boy was it muddy (I told you to wear old shoes!!) but we got up to the cabin crawled in to bed and slept really well! I woke up around 8 but fell back asleep and finally ended up waking him up around 9:15 for our hike up on the Bluffs something I have always wanted to share with someone and he was the right someone!! It was such a beautiful day and the bluffs were beautiful we just stared off for a while thinking silently to ourselves holding hands it was perfection in a moment.
We stopped at the cheese store and go cheese curd cause he hadn’t had that and then to Orbakers one of the best places to eat ever. We had a delicious lunch and headed home.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful I did laundry as his house because it’s free and headed home because Mondays start early for me.

So as for this longest journal entry ever I hope I haven’t forgotten anything and to the two people who read it thank you for letting me vent and being there to understand.

I love my friends and I hate my enemies and I do both really well don’t ever put yourself across that line I warn you now….

So now my computer isn’t connecting to the internet – I think it is because of the power outage but none the less I am pissed…it is like my safe so where I can go and just disappear but no it has to not work and I have to sit in my room and be more then fucking bored all them time…I think it will get better once I am working but so far nothing is good…

I wish Steve would come home this touring thing isn’t a very happy time for me but he is having loads and loads of fun so who am I to stop that? He is thinking about going for a whole MONTH in October and I told him it was fine and it is because you can’t be with someone all the time and I’m more then likely being a baby but oh well…I think I’m just jealous like he gets to go and be in the world and do all this stuff and I am stuck in a rut named Buffalo State College, but hey he has done the college thing already so who am I to complain he is just getting things done faster then I am…

Anyway I’m taking a million classes this year and next semester I’m going to be done with all the classes I need for my major but then what? I have another year of fuck around time to do nothing maybe a minor or something I don’t know…

So until my computer is fixed I don’t know when I will write again

Haha probably next time I am super bored –

This weekend I am going to go with Kayla this weekend to the State Fair which should be fun and I am looking forward to – it is so cute to have traditions with friends whom you love like Metal Night with Anna no matter how ghetto it gets down there we just keep going back for more…

OH YEAH I dyed my hair with blonde streaks and now I’m officially a hottie no…for real
Have a nice day to everyone who reads this and whoever doesn’t you can just you know…have a bad day...so there

Yep this is it I’m heading back to school soon – tomorrow I hope – and then I will be a Junior I cant believe it, I’m really pretty impressed with myself I’ve made it this far with a pretty damn good GPA to boot (not to toot my own horn or whatever) *ahem* “toot - toot” anyway I would just like to thank everyone that has been there for me in the past years helping me though and helping me to realize who I am and that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. I’m sure most of you don’t read this or you aren’t even aware that it exists but her we go –in no particular order

Allen Shelton – my mentor and teach and friend forever
Mindy for coffee and venting, Nick C for telling me how beautiful and smart I am even when I’m not, Brennan thanks for sticking with me we made an awesome team once, Nick V for helping me to realize that I can be who I want to be, Mike D thank you for pushing me and loving me and for letting me go , Liz J for being there as a friend and a roommate – thank you for watching cheer-leading competitions and eating snacks with me, Liz M for 12:30 AM cereal parties, my lovely Anna to which I owe my love for metal night, my n.a.r.d. there really is never a reasonable doubt with you, my Melissa I miss you I miss you so much I could die, my first roommate Cara for teaching me how not to act as a roommate, the Batavia boys I miss you all and hope all is well, the 3rd wave Learning Community you are all so awesome, Yeah Toast!! (enough said), my brother and my sister for being smart and making me live up to that, Esther for being such a great kooky friend, Joshua for being the oldest man to hit on me and for my surprise letter, Josh and Matt Jones, Leighton and Bethany, the Himes family and now the Lyles, to Zach and Betsy Allen for playing baseball all summer long when we were kids, thank you Elizabeth Weaver, to Kalia who has shown me that I am not alone in my crazy thoughts, to all the people I’ve met along the way- who have listened to my bullshit and given me some of their own and thank you Stephen for teaching me that love is not simply a word but a way of life – in every action, in every thought in every word I speak your love for me has forever changed me.

I couldn’t have done it with out you, we are but weak and useless bodies on our own we need love, friendships, pain, heartbreak and experience to get us through life

I will never give up an experience.

And if when I’m 80 years old and someone makes fun of me for having a tattoo on my foot I’ll say “I’m sorry” with a smile on my face because I will have known what it feels like to live and they will be too old to do so – “I don’t want to live forever but I’m gonna die trying”

I’m not entirely sure what prompted me to write this journal entry maybe it is because I’m going to be going though another change soon, maybe it was because of something that Steve said to me on the phone about trying to get a dead friendship to work again, maybe it is because I miss the people that used to be such a big part of my life, maybe its because I haven’t slept since you left…I don’t know but if I never get to say it to you all or if I just forget to – thank you – you mean so much to me and have made me who I am today –

I’m always going to keep it no matter what it is because it reminds me of you and the times we spent together...

How is it that a song, if sung by a different voice can strike a chord of a past that has never been?
Please sing me to sleep soon; for I cannot find your voice in my dreams anymore, I wish not to search I want it to be given freely.
My devotion is insubstantial without you here with me, I need your strength and I need you to never give up.
Some days I think of the way your fingers glide gracefully down the strings of your guitar and play into the strings of my heart.
The noise between the notes is getting awfully loud, and I do not want to bare it, though in a way it appeals to me.
If I can only concentrate on the way you sing, on the way your voice shivers with nervousness, how could I make you scared?

Don’t give up, I will never walk away and your voice draws me in, as it is the only thing I cling to every night while we lay together, a million miles apart.

My heart belongs to you now, do with it as you please, but don’t return it bruised if you’re going to give it back.
So teach me how to be a girl again, but don’t teach me well if you plan on taking it all back in the end.
Be my co-pilot and hold my hand as we ride across the world together, as we break all the rules and accept the consequences.
Though we may fall on turbulent grounds, fear not! We will conquer all; we will have strength in each others arms.
Tell me when you are scared so that I may hold you, I will always need your shelter to keep me safe.
I am no longer afraid when you are near and when you leave my side I know you’ll think of me and my love with never stray.

Don’t give up, I will never walk away and your voice draws me in, as it is the only thing I cling to every night while we lay together, a million miles apart.

So yeah the FBI was at the neighbors house for a day last week…it was exciting don’t get me wrong but I mean that is all anyone is going to be talking about for the next million years here…it was kind of crazy that my neighbor for like four years had his hand in Anthrax but hey everyone knows a guy like that right?? Yeah right!

Let’s get to the important stuff like how much fun Steve and I had this break – it was a long one guys we got a whole three days (two partial and one whole) and two full nights!! Wow it was awesome, we went to work got to spend lots of time together and it was just amazing – he is amazing – I have no complaints and neither does he.

So I know I haven’t written in awhile but I’ve been busy! My sister go married on the 31st of July and she was gone for ten days that means ten days at her house watch the kitties with Kayla – it was heaven! But let’s talk about her wedding – we went to the Thousand Islands Park which is about 5 hours away and on the way up I stopped and ate with Mike which was “interesting” though I have a feeling he thought it was annoying. The thing is I gave him lots of opportunities to back out and I would have been fine with it but he changed his plans and came out to the mall to eat with me therefore he can not complain (like anything can stop that heh) but we had Tay-co Bell and chilled and George and his girlfriend (Kate??) came so I thought that, that made things better but in the end Mike said it was awkward (oh well I’m going to try but not if it risks what I have now)

So secretly I had been planning all week to sneak over to Longpoint and surprise Steve which is a lot of the reason I didn’t write while at my sisters because that is all I could think of so on my way home after the wedding (which I will explain soon) I called Steve to see what he would think and he was super excited!! So I got there just about at 8pm and stayed until around 11 (I’m bad!) therefore I didn’t get home until like 1am and I was really tired oh well I saw the lova’ lova’ and that is what matters. I also saw the JOSHY!!! Awe I miss him like WOAH it was good to see him, and he was uber excited to see me too his jaw dropped to the floor and I told him he was making me sin (yes Melissa he was wearing shorts – ha-ha Josh – ooo – ahh legs) I miss those days…

So anyway the wedding. Yeah it was beautiful and I cried (I can’t believe I cried) oh well! I took lots of pictures and got to mean Brian’s family finally he has this crazy funny uncle and his dad was really funny too they were picking on my piercings (cringing when I was eating and such) all in all it was lots of fun and it was super cute. I love my family and all I want is to see them happy – I’m really glad that none of the “significant others” came (i.e. Patti and Dan) it would have been, well lets just say not so good.

Don’t know what else to say, I’m really bonding with Matt now even though I tried really hard not too and I’m really starting to like the Lyle’s even though Steve (Lyle not Schenk) can be really irresponsible but I like to do work and stuff so I’ll be ok….

There is construction going on outside right now (as always) and it is shaking the house – I was thinking about taking a nap heh good-luck.

Well I think that this was a good enough entry I love you all especially you…yes you!

some one better comment on this life of mine...im beginning to believe that no one really cares...or is it that im beginning to give up...hm...i cant believe that there is a Christmas song playing...i should hate this one...

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning

You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it?

You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

I know the reason that
you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact?
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it

When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just
Come out once and scream it?

No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them

And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem?

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
Then you'd know what a
drag it is to see you

sometimes i wish i didnt have them and sometimes i wish i didnt have the time to make them...things were fun while they lasted but i wish i could just forget those times i wish i could just forget the past

sometimes i remember when i thought i was happy - how foolish i was. that was not happiness now i know what i have now is love now i really know what happiness is

some nights i cant help but to dredge up those memories and all i do is cry for my wasted time and wish for that time back - i always told myself i would live without regret but that was before i met my greatest mistake

so once again i ask that those memories stay forgotten. i can go no where without them trailing behind they haunt me and will forever - please make new memories for me quickly i fear these may drag me down - i am too tired to swim in the waters of my past - find me a new ocean to swim in

my new waters will go on forever for i can not see an end with you - i am in the middle of a vast sea but i have no fear - lets make it up as we go along - im sick of missing you. i love you.

So I have been working at the county fair all week WOW have i seen some HICKS!! It is so awesome to have a job with Kayla for she is the best person ever! She makes the days go by faster and that really matters when you are working 12 hour days. So, anyway we have 2 more days left a 12 hour and a 13.5 hour ugh, they are supposed to be super busy. There is a lady we work with named Dawn but every one calls her “the mother” because her idiot daughter works at the fair too, she is a true “carni”. No teeth and six kids and she looks like a man plus she is super annoying. Tonight we were sitting there and there was a talent show going on…(wow hicks singing who’d a thought it would SUCK) so anyway Kayla and I look over and the woman is trying to sing the words only she doesn’t know them and well Kayla and I do so she looked like a foooooool! But Kayla and I got a good laugh out of it all – man do I dislike that woman.

It’s not all bad I must say it is pretty fun and I know my 7 times table very well because the tickets all cost $7 so you have to multiply it for the idiots because none of them can count. The end of the week is going to rock sooo much because we are going up to buffalo to go shopping so we can finally have some new clothes…I really, really need jeans plus Steve is making me jealous by getting all these fun shirts! Hopefully I can find something that looks nice – shopping so sooo stressful for me because I don’t like to try things on so I mostly just buy shoes heh

Anyway even though Country music isn’t that popular a lot of it makes me think of my life and how I have been feeling lately and on the ride home tonight from the fair we had the radio on and a song came on that made me think…

"When somebody loves you
There's nothing you can't do
When somebody loves you
It's easy to get through
When somebody loves you
The way I love you"

I love you…yep!

Small as a peanut,
Big as a giant,
We’re all the same size, when you turn off the light.

Rich as a sultan,
Or poor as a mite,
We’re all worth the same, when we turn off the light.

Red, Black or Orange,
Yellow or White,
We all look the same, when you turn off the light.

So maybe the way,
To make everything right,
Is for God to just reach out, and just - turn off the light.

So this morning I was having really weird dreams, the one started off with the Crocodile Hunter in a pen with these big cats that he was calling Jaguars but I thought they looked more like Leopards (who knows) but the cats were in this place where you had to jump around because the ground was covered in this water/mud that was super hot. So anyway the Crocodile Hunter started jumping around like Spiderman – clinging to the walls and such and he fell in. He was like screaming in pain and then he paused and was like “This sort of feels like a sauna” but then continued to scream and get out of the water/mud but by that time the big cats had heard us (well not really us cause really I wasn’t there) so then Wes appeared and to anyone who has no seen the Croc Files show, Wes is Steve’s (the Croc Hunter) sidekick and best friend. So Wes is up on the wall like Spiderman and the cat starts slicing him open and the Croc Hunter was just sort of stunned…anyway it turned into this huge bloody mess and it was really gross and then my mom woke me up…

So my mom tells me that one of the ducks flew away, I really wanted to cry but I was also really happy because they needed to go, I just wish we could have released them somewhere safe, so anyway I wasn’t really awake when that happened and I fell right back to sleep until the phone rang at 10 and it was my BROTHER!!!! I miss him a lot, he is in Alberta right now on his way to British Columbia to dig up some rocks, digging rocks just doesn’t sound like my cup of tea, I’d much rather be here in Wellsville – and that is saying a lot.

Yesterday Melissa called me, I miss that girl like crazy go nuts, and we talked about how much she hated her job so I told her to call up and quit and then call me back – so she did, I loved it! She really needed to get out of that job – Wendy’s just isn’t her style, she has so many God given talents that she needs to use, I would rather see her trying to write a book then work there for anther week… and Melissa if you ever do write a book I will be the first to buy it!

I can’t believe how well this relationship with Steve is going, I can’t believe how much I doubted myself in the beginning I can’t believe I doubted anything anymore, I have to learn not to base things on the past, as I have mentioned before Mike had fat calves and that is all I have to say. I’m tired of dating men I think I can change, and having those men endlessly point out flaws of mine. I suppose that is where the testing comes from, I have to test them to see if they will stick around, “tell me a flaw that I have” I can’t believe how immature that is, but I need to do it, I have a problem. I need to know how far I can push them (them meaning not only men but friends in general) before it is too much and they just give up, I don’t know.

I can feel myself coming back, I have never been anything but truthful and open with Stephen that is how I am used to being, but for so long I had to watch what I said in fear that I would be compared to an overbearing girlfriend. I should be able to say things like, “can we have kitties?” or “can we have a swimming pool?” I don’t know I guess that sort of sounds pathetic but I mean if you love someone you can’t just look at the end of relationship. This relationship is built on total honesty and openness about all feelings, and I believe it will stay that way for a long time.

and I’ll say it again all I want to be in a minute that you hold me in. I miss you, yes you.

Ronald Reagan


then....


Ray Charles


and now...


Marlon Brando

yeah so im at my sisters house for a week or so...this is always my favorite time...i can be soo independent and i dont have to see anyone i dont want to...i can use the excuse...but my sister doesnt like it when people come over...that is if anyone actually wanted to come over...i just love it because kayla comes and we pig out and play the no pants game and laugh ourselves silly...it is just a good time all around plus i get to be alone FINALLY. so anyway yeah im here until next tuesday or so i think it is going to be a rockin time. yeah so even though no one cares i really love being here it brings back so many memories from my childhood. playing baseball in the front lawn, seeing all the old pictures that are still up i dont know its just something about it makes me feel so good inside, plus i looooove her kitties they are the cutest kitties ever-well besides Egbert and Otis they are the worlds best kitties and they love me too, i think that is really important to my sister because they are like her children and the fact that they really like me helps ease her mind a little...i think. so anyway i get to walk the baby cat (kins) on a leash-possibly the funniest/most fun thing to do with a cat. but he likes it alot and runs around and plays he is a great kitten. maybe someday i'll get another kitten...maybe when im older, who knows...so anyway this is a long and boring journal entry so im going to stop here...

ps. i wish you werent allergic to cats...

i am almost positive that it doesnt matter that i update this anymore...no one reads it...and my life is boring...maybe that will change soon.."hoe" hum...i miss you all...especially you, yep!

Trust
mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah the margin of error is slight
mix the chemicals right dear
mix the chemicals right
yeah you know that you could
save my life

there is a risk, there’s a risk when your dealing with love
you could snap my neck
any speed you drive can be dangerous

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah you know there’s a fine line between
mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
cause i know what betrayal can mean

when this frame fails me
will i trust you to carry me through?
i know there’s no such thing as safety
but i know what a promise can do.
will i trust you, will i trust you to carry me through?
i will trust you, cause i know what a promise can do


In Years To Come
i want to take the bullet,
the one aimed straight for your heart,
i want to meet the wolves halfway,
and let them tear me apart.
this is the way they do it here.

i want to lay on the tracks,
feel hot steel screaming at me,
expose the bones on my back,
let me show you what i mean.
yeah its a different kind of love,
i want to climb barbed wire fences
and warm our hands in blood.

and this is my gift,
asking you to fix
my ruined hands.
and its a gift that keeps on giving,
its a gift that keeps on giving,
its a gift that keeps on giving,
and right now its all i have to give.

i want to lay on the tracks,
feel hot steel screaming at me,
expose the bones on my back,
let me show you what i mean
i want to lay on the tracks,
feel hot steel screaming at me,
expose the bones on my back,
let me show you what i mean

i want to write the perfect song,
and play it just for you,
while you are tangled up in sleep.
i need you more than ill ever know
until i stop breathing
my lungs will take you for granted.

Junction 18
Granite Street Knife Fight

These heads are rolling they see black
Watch them smile the dust away
Who's upstairs hanging out the window?
The girlfriend's leaving him tonight
I know this well
This repeating game it's never-ending
Don't let him drive the car tonight
He'll never make it home

Turn out the light
We're too far behind
Words are exchanged and we're never the same
Confusing matter?
Pray you make it out to the end
He's a clown, a first class sinner
Regrets are slowing building their way
Elusive matter?
Pray you make it out to the end

This childhood dream is killing me
I know it's hard to swallow
But it's nice going down when it's free
When will you answer?
I've got this question aching on my mind
How can you let these nights remain un-surrendered?

Turn out the light
We're too far behind
It's evident no one here will survive
Confusing matter?
Pray you make it out to the end
I'm a clown, a sad fool kisser
This carnival planned its early death
Elusive matter?
Pray you make it out to the end
(when exactly is the end?)

And all the laughter you see is not for sale
It's virus made no effort
Near the fire they feed incessantly the flames to the inferno
Goodnight afternoon
Goodnight morning moon
I'll catch your rays another day
cuz they're coming to take me away

I finally killed the light
I'm bleeding here tonight
I've felt the pain
Now may I ride this game again?

ok so i was just looking around on My Space for new friends or whatever and i found that mike and made one...i wasnt mad and i told him that i found it...i think he was a little pissed but oh well he needs to grow up. so i was just looking at his blog entries and there was one about a survey and someone had filled it out as a comment...so i was reading the survey and it was funny until i read this

10. What makes me sad?
x girls friends, wait maybe that's just irritated


i cried until i threw up. i give up...im sorry i irritate him i should just give up but something wont let me...i just want to give up and move on. im being so unfair to Steve right now. though i am unbelievably happy that we have met and i have had a chance to see that my heart can be happy again. i just have to make new memories that make me happy. maybe this time i wont be kicked to the curb...

i can not believe that someone as intelligent as mike, can be so immature. and i cant believe i fell for someone with FAT CALVES!!! ugh so stupid, that should have been enough to make me say "no".

anyway just thought i would tell you ... that made me sad i mean that fucking bitch doesnt even know me and i am sure he has told her these lies about how unhappy i made him...well thanks mike thanks a lot you made me unhappy too...but i thought we could at least talk...oh well not that big of a loss as melissa and kayla have said... well melissa says NO LOSS at all i should agree, just my time and effort. Fucker. and i repeat...fucker.

all i have to say is hurray for steve! someone who will talk to me about everything and play the "what are you thinking right now?" game with me. im so glad i have met him and jerry cause they both rock...plus they are christian which is a plus for sure...though they are much like me...buffalo area should watch out next year! we are going to rock out!

This time, I'll be sailing
No more bailing boats for me
I'll be out there on the sea
Just my confidence and me

And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I'll learn to get by
On little victories

This time, I'll have no fear
I'll be standing strong and tall
Turn my back towards them all

And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
And I'll learn to get by
And I'll learn to get by
On the little victories

And if the world decides to catch up with me
It’s a little victory

I've been waiting up for you to rescue me,
To come around and cover everything.
I’m relying on my best memory,
To breathe for me, breathe for me…

So much better than all of this, all of this..

Tired of singing the sad songs in my head,
But I can’t find enough of anything to drown out what you said.
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in,
I’m so tired of singing the sad songs in my head.

And I can still smell summer on your skin,
And I can still remember giving in.
Wrapped all up in your hips, and in your sheets,
It felt great falling, falling..

So much better than all this, all this..

Tired of the singing sad songs in my head,
But I can’t find enough of anything to drown out what you said.
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in,
I’m so tired of singing the sad songs in my head.

I feel so faded, so far gone...
Nothing surprises me anymore...
I feel so faded, so far gone...
Nothing surprises me anymore...more...

Not much better now...now...

Tired of singing the sad songs in my head,
But I can’t find enough of anything to drown out what you said.
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in,
I’m so tired of singing the sad songs in my head.

Sad songs in my head...

I'm so tired...

Don't make this so hard.
You know what it does to me.
Why can't you see, it kills me?
Don't make me hate you.
But it just builds inside.
The times you lied.
Just say it.

This isn't over 'cause I still feel for you.
The things you do continue.
Instead of running, just throw it all away.
This mess you made, this mess you...
It's okay with me.
Just don't fail me now.
Maybe soon you will see until we're one we'll fall down.

I've got no use for what you say.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I've got no use for what you say.
It doesn't matter anyway.

Don't make this so hard.
You know what it does to me.
Why can't you see it kills me?
Don't make me hate you.
But it just builds inside.
The times you lied, the times you...
It's okay with me.
Just don't fail me now.
Maybe soon you will see until we're one we'll fall down.

I've got no use for what you say.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I've got no use for what you say.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I've got no use for what you say.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I've got no use for what you say.
It doesn't matter anyway.

AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave
and fearless.
Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to
console others. Too generous
and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty
for praises.
Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when
provoked. Easily jealous.
Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly.
Independent thoughts. Loves
to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in
the arts, music and
defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance
against illnesses. Learns
to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and
caring. Loves to make
friends .


What does your birth month say about you?

and if I read one more lovey-dovey fucking away message I may vomit…the end.

All this pain, begins to feel like pleasure
With more tears, you'd make a sea of desert
Salt my wounds and I'll keep saying thank you

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
Always having my heart set on you
'till the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes
Ahh, fool

There I went
Hoping for the best
Knowing,
The worst would only come

There I went
Thinking things would come true
Dreaming,
For the best

Here I am
Stuck in a void
Drowning,
Internally for eternity

Now I will go
Trying to find a truth
Killing,
You who stand before me

Reaching for you
I will fail once more
Falling,
Into the cold waters

Forever here
In the beginning
Screaming,
For help

Please help me, for I fear I can not tread water much longer with no legs and broken arms

Janet is a GRAMMAR GOD!


If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!


How grammatically sound are you?

I'll leave again 'cause I've been waiting in vain
But you're so in love with yourself
If I say my heart is sore
Sounds like a cheap metaphor
So I won't repeat it no more